Let the Perfectionism Go... (Read Time: 3 min.)

What does being perfect mean to you?

If perfection is something you can't possibly achieve, what's the reward your perfectionism attains in trying?

When your best is never good enough, how do you love ALL of who you are?

At some point, we perfectionists have to come to grips with one truth:

Being perfect never made anybody happy.

I was writing a lesson today called "Getting it Wrong is Key to Getting it Right" and I was thinking about how my perfectionistic tendencies have been operating in my life lately. I consider myself one of those "driven" people. I know I can achieve anything I set my mind to which means when I don't achieve a certain thing or land in a certain spot by a certain amount of time, I have nobody to blame but myself. That then leads me to work harder, heavier, go for more, accept less, and, before you know it, I'm back on the team of my inner critic going "You've got to do better!"

How's that working for me? Outside of the tightness in my chest, the clenched jaw that's become a habit, and the tendency I have to dive in deep on an area and not come out until I come out on top, it's not... So I wrote the lesson below for me and you because, truth be told:

Getting it wrong is key to getting it right...

Lesson 44- Getting it Wrong is Key to Getting it Right

Perfectionism is not a medal of honor. Most people call themselves "perfectionists" (including me) and think that it's a good thing. Perfectionism is one job title that the inner critic loves to hide behind. Since perfection isn't a viable option for a human being, when your life quest is to be perfect, you meet, time and time again, with failure. Trying to be what you weren't born to be is a hard place to live. Glorifying the act of "getting it right" is what causes people so much pain. A big part of getting it "right" is getting it wrong.

Failure is a step forward when you can see the lesson of the result and renegotiate your approach to the plan. People who are too afraid to fail are too weak to truly succeed. At some point, you have to be willing to take a risk, willing to fall on your face, willing to get back up again, and willing to do something different... without taking it personally. There are at least a thousand ways to get any one thing done. If you believe this, failure isn't a big deal. You understand that when a less than desirable result occurs, it's a prime opportunity for learning. You get to learn what not to do the next time. You also get to file away the plan that didn't get you to where you wanted to go so you know not to use that plan the next time. All in all, failure adds to your success if you're willing to learn the lessons of it.

Stop insisting that you can't move forward with a particular task unless you know it's 100% perfect. Stop taking a poor result personally and thinking that someone's turn down equates to you not being good enough. The only person singing that "not good enough" tune is you. Stop beating the drum of "It has to be perfect to be acceptable." Most of life's most valued treasures are so valued because they are imperfect. At the end of the day, you will crucify or resurrect your success based on your perception of what "getting it wrong" really means.

Let go of perfectionism. Getting it wrong is key to getting it right.

There is No Safety Behind an Emotional Wall (Read Time: 3 min.)

When do your emotional walls go up?

How often do you find yourself hiding behind a stoic front?

Why do some people trigger your emotional walls and others don't?

In psychology terms, an emotional wall is similar to what we call suppression, being vaguely aware that you feel how you feel but working very hard to push it away. Emotional walls take on a bigger meaning because they involve the exertion of energy to such a point where you literally erect an emotional wall around your feelings, thoughts and behaviors as a means of protecting yourself from the possible rejection, hurt, and abandonment coming from someone else.

When you're in the presence of someone who you don't feel emotionally safe with, there's a tendency to erect an emotional wall. Rather than dealing with what bothers you about the interaction or having an open discussion about how this person makes you feel, the emotional wall lets you be physically present and emotionally/spiritually unavailable to this person. The thinking goes: "If the real me is locked away, this person can't hurt me." Truth be told, you're hurting yourself.

After a while, people become so good at erecting emotional walls that it's a natural, subconscious occurrence. You enter a room full of strange people, you put up your guard and you go about your business. It's not until we leave emotionally "dangerous" situations and feel free to be who we really are that we realize that what just showed up in us was actually an emotional wall. After a while, though, emotional walls get tiring. It's hard to live on the defensive, to feel like you have to protect yourself from everything and everyone. At some point, we all come to a place where we say, "Can't I just be myself and know that I'll be safe?" That's the break-free point for most people.

There's nothing safe about living behind emotional walls.

There's no real creation of intimacy if you clam up every time someone gets close. People feel when your emotional walls go up, even if you have a smile on your face and a pleasant tone to your voice. Fakeness shows. If what you want is to be free to be who you are, you've got to begin by knowing that you create your own sense of safety. Until you give yourself the security and safety that you require, it will be difficult to stop using emotional walls as protection mechanisms.

When you get that no one can hurt, anger, upset, or offend you without your permission, you also understand that you get to choose who you allow into your space and when. You get to decide. More than this, when you know that you can be fully yourself and still be able to say yes or no to what you do want or what you don't want, you gain a sense of self-efficacy that transforms your everyday living into a powerful demonstration of what it means to be who you are, where you and without apology. Somewhere, we learned that it was unsafe to be the real us. Somehow, we've got to unlearn that and teach ourselves how to be who we are wherever we are and know that we are always safe and secure.

Here are three ways you can do that:

1. Create rituals that enforce your feeling of safety. Whether that's music you play in your car on the way to a hostile work environment or a room in your house that's your sacred space in the midst of a rocky relationship or affirmations that you say in the mirror to evoke a sense of love and approval for yourself, find daily rituals that reinforce your sense of safety.

2. Remind yourself that no one has the power or ability to hurt you. Be mindful of your reaction to people when they don't behave the way you want them to. It's not their behavior that hurts; its your expectations not being met that hinders. Change your reaction and you your level of safety will increase.

3. Make a conscious effort to pull down emotional walls as soon as you feel them going up. Say to yourself, "I can be myself. I love and approve of myself. It doesn't matter who's in this room. I'm here to be me and if they don't like it, they can find some other place to be. Who I am IS enough." That kind of inner mantra goes a long way in helping you to, in the moment, take down the emotional wall. Recognizing its erection goes a long way in shortening its duration.